So I Wrote a Play about Depression
… And you might be wondering if I have it.
Well, the answer is “Yes.” I have chronic depression, paired with a hefty dose of constant anxiety, a sprinkle of PTSD, and a slew of other mental illnesses. I have had these for most of my life, and some of them I could have had my whole life.
I’ve always been a little anxious, nervous, and easily spooked. My mom always told me that as a toddler I’d hide behind her, pulling her long skirts around me to avoid new people. I have lived in the knowledge that I had these nervous disorders for the last 12 years or so, after going to a therapist in my sophomore year of high school. He helped me to understand the why and what of these things. The therapy helped me break through my arrested development, that held me emotionally from the age of around 6. Every day I wake up and have these issues.
For me, Depression comes and goes like an ocean with high and low tides. Anxiety is always there. PTSD comes with triggers. I feel absolutely blessed and lucky that I was given the resources to work through these days where everything is so strong. If I’m honest, Anxiety affects more of my life than Depression does. When talking to my therapist several years ago, I was tasked with naming the intrusive thoughts and ‘voices in my head’ that said those things sourced in my mental illness. That’s when I deemed them “Shadows” like the ‘edgy’ (as if) high schooler I was. That’s when all this started, you see. I then let that idea rest for a while, before eventually deciding that being a playwright would be fun.
While in the plane over the ocean between LAX and Amsterdam, on the way to Ukraine, I decided to write the first few scenes that would eventually become Shadows of the Mind. It would be cut and completely changed but it would become this play. (Stick around to the end of this blog for some ‘fun facts’ about what all changed between the first draft and production.) Personally, I have had strong help from my family and friends, who were there for me when I needed it. One thing that my friends and family had to come to terms with, was that they couldn’t always help me. My depression isn’t a mood swing. It is like welcoming an unwelcome guest into your home for an indeterminate amount of time. I don’t know how long it’ll be there each time…it could stay for days, months, or even years. It sounds cheesy and overplayed, but it really is something you figure out and understand day by day, rolling with whatever the deal is that day.
I’ve received so much bad advice and input from people who claimed to be counselors and therapists that made me feel so alone and othered. It’s important to find counselors who understand, are trained, and educated to help. Overall, I wanted to make Shadows of the Mind a play that shows how affirmation, love, and the offering of help can make a world of difference. Just having a friend “being there” is more important to me over just about anything else, when I am depressed. My best friend will often just come over and sit on my bed next to me. We may just say a word or two, but that time of knowing they are there and that they care is what I need most.
I lost a friend, Sarah, to suicide almost 6 years ago and it has rocked my world ever since. I have still not recovered. While writing this, in hopes of finding the exact amount of time she’s been gone, I came across a video she recorded for me, posted to my Facebook wall in 2012. She was talking about how she misses me and that we need to hang out. The amount of survivor’s guilt I feel still hits home when I wonder about the “what if’s.” Even in high school and since, I have lost a lot of friends to suicide. I refuse to lose any more! I wrote this play in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, someone out there will see it and feel a little less alone. I would hope that they’d feel heard, seen, and understood.
If you are struggling with any of those things I listed earlier, I want you to know that you’re not bad, you’re not broken, and you are not your mental illness. I will always suggest getting help where you can. There are free resources out there for you. If you do not have the money or insurance, please look into it. If you want to help someone you know who is going through any of this, don’t look up how to help them. Simply ask them. Use phrases like, “Is there anything I can do for you?” or suggest going for a drive with them, while listening to their favorite audiobook. Offer to take them out for a treat. Find out what helps them feel that fragment of connection or of feeling a little better. We cannot end the stigma, if we don’t talk about it openly.
I would like to ask this of you, Reader. Tell someone about your diagnosis. Tell them how they can help you. I hope that this doesn’t cheapen what I’ve said, but please stream the play, watch it, share it, and send the link to a friend. I don’t dare to think that I’m going to save lives with my play, but I’d like to know that at least, I have urged people to take a look into what dealing with these mental illnesses can feel like, in a way that might be easier to understand in a wider way.
With hope and love for all of you,
Kanaan Hesseling [Link to the
show for streaming]
Last Performance | Hidden Treasure Productions
Fun Facts
and Trivia from the Play
• The first draft had The Shadows as offstage
voices.
• Every character’s name changed in the draft
leading up to the final draft.
• There’s a fun writer cameo that no one has
caught onto in the show. See if
you
can figure it out. It’s well hidden.
• One
person has been in the cast as the same character, from the first Table
Read.
• I did a lot of research on Suicide with
people who have suicidal thoughts
and through the Suicide Prevention website,
that helped me understand
what to write and what not to write. (I wish
that “13 Reasons Why” would
have done that)
• The play is a living script and is
undergoing a full rewrite at this very
moment.
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